Archive for October, 2003
Friday, October 31st, 2003
music used to play a big role in my life in middle school and high school – I always looked forward to Orchestra class where we had time to just… play music. I never really felt any kind of pressure during orchestra class even audition day because I knew I would be able to play well either because I practiced enough or just because I knew I could.
What amazed me about orchestra was not how I or anyone else played… but how we all played – trying so hard to keep the right tempo and making sure every single note is perfectly in tune. Wow – “perfectly in tune” – when your orchestra plays a difficult piece and we are rehearsing the climatic part… and that exact moment where we all play perfectly in tune; so amazing. It never ceased to give me goosebumps when our director stops us in shear amazement – our accomplishment.
Concerts were the best of them all – although I knew I messed up a lot more during concerts then in rehearsals… waving through the entire piece – we finally get to the finale and with one tuned unison note everyone stops playing – our bows in perfect stillness as we await our director’s arms to come down. Sometimes, he’d test us and held his arms in the air for minutes before putting them down; so everyone would have to hold their instruments still – sometimes forgetting to breathe due to the excitement of the piece and the wanting to hear the audience’s reaction.
I miss those times so badly. I haven’t played my violin in over 2 years – during fall break, I went back and opened my two violin cases. The smell of the rosin and the polished wooden body of my two violins brought back memories. They were so out of tune 
I didn’t get a chance to play them because it was late at night and I didn’t want to wake anyone up. I plucked little tunes with it – especially the melodies that I remembered from the hundreds of different pieces I played during middle school and high school.
I was going to sign up for GTO last year but I dropped it because it would’ve been just too stressful on my schedule and plans. I should still join it though and see how it goes one semester… *shrug*
I’m planning on buying a guitar soon – I’ll be learning it just because I wanted to learn it for a while but haven’t even thought about it until lately.
hmmm, music is so good… so good
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Friday, October 31st, 2003
been a bit weird lately – I’ve had this window open for so long but never could figure out what to write in it. I am getting so lazy and also truly apathetic lately, it’s not even funny – at least I got most of my school stuff out of the way earlier this week. I guess I am neglecting a lot of my own goals as well – which isn’t a good thing at all.
I keep praying for motivation… motivation… motivation. It’s something very hard to come by for me nowadays. Ugh, what does it take to motivate me? I just need to find that one key or one moment that can help me gain my motivation back – it’s been so long since I had it. Don’t get me wrong, I always have more than enough motivation for things I like and want to do/learn but when it comes to things that I am forced to do – motivation is nonexistent.
I went to CCF this week like I have been for the past month or so – today’s Bible study was about having bad days. I am always surprised that every week, I go in there and think I am going to be listening to Rick talk about something that won’t be so much related to me directly but then when I listen to him talk – it is directly related to what I am going through mentally and/or emotionally. It is scary but it serves as an assurance in the background. For example… it seems like I’ve been having… not only a bad day… but a bad 5 months or so. It seems like a nightmare – I am facing all my mental bad dreams all at once and my mind doesn’t know how to deal with it. So… I seem to be going crazy… by being apathetic. When I listen to the bible studies, it feels like God is trying to tell me to calm down and to trust in him because this trust and what *I* want to do with my life is the only thing that is essential for me.
Sometimes, I get angry at myself because I know there are outside influences that are trying to change me or to tell me what I want… even my own family – I know they want the best for me but what do they know about what I want personally? They always assume what I need and this is also heavily influenced by what is good to them. I never want to tell them what I want to do with my life because they will think it’s a joke and belittle it. I don’t exactly know why they belittle it – probably because they assume that since there wasn’t a teacher teaching me the things I do, I can’t possibly get a job from it… or perhaps since I’ve always been making a little money aside school from development jobs to system administration jobs, maybe they belittled the amount of money that I’ve been making?
Ever since I figured out that I can learn things on my own, without the help of a teacher – I’ve been venturing out into what I want to learn about on my own. So for the past few years, I’ve been learning a lot and also been earning a little money on the side – it definitely has been beneficial considering that it has provided me with good learning experience.
Don’t judge my want – what I ultimately want to do is to have a family and to be able to aptly support them and make sure they do not have to worry about financial problems. Since when did I ever want to become a doctor or a lawyer or any of those professionals that live luxuriously… driving cars that cost as much as a house and spending as much as buying another car when the car breaks down? No. That’s not what I want. Save the superficiality and the pain, readers. Life has better rewards than those, I guarantee it 
Just needed to get those thoughts out, I am going to try to fix my sleeping schedule lately because it got screwed up after 2 straight all-nighters monday and tuesday…
peace
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Friday, October 24th, 2003
http://www.grouphug.us
\con*fess”\, v. i. 1. to make confession; to disclose sins or faults, or the state of the conscience.
the idea is for anyone to anonymously confess to anything. it actually feels kind of good to know that someone will read it.
this is completely confidential. no information about you or your computer is stored. in fact, nothing but the text you type, the current time, and a random number is stored. period.
Wow, a site you can post your guilts to… read through couple pages of them… hrmp, humanity is so weird.
Succumb to your mistakes… but don’t make second mistake of neglecting to fix your mistakes because that will be the biggest mistake of all.
Keep smiling – keep that and life will be much smoother.
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
yea so I got too busy within the past couple of days to blog
I’ve been busy with pretty much everything. Friday night I’ve worked most of the night into the early morning. Saturday – surprisingly enough, I went to the mall with couple of friends from my hall – it was fun. Lennox is SO friggin’ crowded during the weekends. When I walked around, I had to walk in zig zags because there were so many people there. It was pretty cool though – to get away from the tech crowd and be around the normal of societ- well, normal for atlanta anyways
Sunday was interesting too – slacked around a bit and then rearranged my room. We got the desks in the corners and put the TV in the middle – underneath my bed will be the couch that we’re going to get from Salvation Army… sometime this coming week.
I am also looking for an electric-acoustic guitar – I went to Guitar World with Drew and Chatty when I came back from fall break. There were too many expensive guitars there, I looked around for a little bit and came back. But there was a $405 Fender guitar that Drew picked up and played, he said it sounded good/okay – so I am thinking about buying it online (because its cheaper). It’s the Fender DG20CE – $360 from a site with pretty good ratings from reviewers and also free shipping. I wonder if my parents would contribute some funds for it since my 21st is coming up in about 2 months.
Anyways – I’m about to lose my mind with the academics deal. I thought a couple of days of not thinking much about it would help but I don’t think it has. I did an all nighter Monday night into tuesday morning and got about 33 hours without sleep – I was suprised I made it past 24 hours but I went 33… heh.
I don’t know what it is… it is the environment of the morning that makes me sleepy. Like I could fall asleep at 6pm and wake up early in the morning but my mind would still tell me I am sleepy and make me want to sleep. Weird, huh?
Oh well, I’m headed to the library for some studyage time. Have a good night’s sleep, if you can.
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Saturday, October 18th, 2003
“It is as vital as breath. And without it: without love, without anger, without sorrow; breath is just a clock, ticking.” – quote from Equilibrium
although I don’t consider that to be the greatest movie or anything – it makes me re-evaluate all the things that I usually take for granted. Wonder what would happen to our lives if we didn’t or weren’t able to feel… Feeling is something that we couldn’t describe to each other – we always take it for granted. If an non-human being wanted to understand what feeling would be – if it didn’t know how to feel – it would be impossible.
Just some… e-food for thought
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Friday, October 17th, 2003
So the Cubs are heartbroken… and so are the Sox – it would have been great if the World Series consisted of these two teams; considering they have fought hard … tough loss for both of these teams. Cubs lose because of one of their own fans interfered (not totally true but it could’ve gone another way if he outfielder caught the foul ball) and the Sox losing because of a single-run homer bottom of the 11th inning.
I guess that’s one of my fears… losing something in the last minute. Working so hard to acheive something then later find out near the finish line that everything you’ve worked for… all that time you’ve spent – is wasted.
Now I think about it – it’s a bad analogy – comparing a game like baseball to what I am most concerned with at this stage in life since each respective teams will have other chances the season after until… the end of baseball – which would have to be if the United States is taken over somehow and professional sports is officially banned from the country … or something (wow, what a tangent I go on =P)
If you know me – you would know I don’t have many distinct fears… I can’t get scared easily of things like ghosts, animals, things jumping out from around the corner, etc… Basically 90% of my fears are just psychological. The ‘What if’s…’ scare me quite a bit. What if a family member or a friend got hurt? What if I fail to reach my goal… my dreams? What if I can’t find my one and only? What if I fail my faiths?
Any kind/type of failure was something I’m familiar with – I’ve gotten quite used to it here – c’est la vie… I guess.
I’ll still be smiling and laughing all the way because no matter, what I know is – I will succeed with my goals. Simple as that – there is no way anything or anyone can deter me from going after what I enjoy doing and want to do in the future. And besides, frowning and acting depressed around others just sucks the life out of being around them – just keep smiling
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