my digitized life // john hwang

lengthy journal entry

Summer
For no particular reason, this will be a relatively lengthy journal entry. There is exactly two weeks left before I will have everything packed up here. Exactly two weeks before the 4-hour drive back home. Exactly two weeks before I will be working at home probably full time as a remote sysadmin for a company up in PA so that I can catch up with Tech’s tuition. Two weeks before I will be able to let my guard down – to hold my dog in my arms, see him wag his tail, and to let him know that I will be back for a while – doing whatever yard work that I’ve been asked to do – to seek a peaceful equilibrium with my family – to let any and all school related books, notebooks, and bookbag down to pick up a classic novel or an action-thriller by Tom Clancy and to read them ever-so casually when I am bored or don’t want to do anything else – to recognize my beliefs and faith as I feel that I will be needing them this upcoming fall – to attempt to keep in touch with my Tech friends and hope that they will with me – to learn to not take time for granted as I have done for sooo long – to try to give every single one of my old friends from prior to life at Tech a visit and a warm smile because I’ve ignored them for sooo long and I now understand friendship without the pressure from my pride or ego – to visit the pre-college educational institution known as ‘high school’ and externally let my previous teachers know that their efforts at enlightening me have succeeded and also that I did not forget about them – to show the world that I am a changed person but also to show that I am the same ol’ me – to breath deeply without worrying – to bring out the dusty violin case that I’ve neglected for 2 years, to taut up the bow and rosin it with a couple of strokes, to fit my shoulder rest on the back of the violin, to place it on my shoulder and then my chin on the chin rest… then to tune it by listening to the A chord that I can ring up in my head, then to pick out some old pieces of music that I used to know how to play then play horribly for a while and feel embarrassed for playing so badly – to start some personal projects I wanted to start and dedicate some of my time on developing for so long but haven’t been able to due to my lazy nature – lastly, to look forward to the Fall although it will be a bit lacking from previous seasons.

I think I just listed out my goals for the summer – yea I know, why didn’t I just make a list instead of putting in a very very long run-on setence type of structure? Because this blogging thing gets me thinking; it allows me to clear things out of my head one by one so my brain will have more space for new things whether or not the new things are important or not. =P Now, if I had to type up a list then I’d have to think about the list formatting and organization etc… I just wanted to get out my thoughts – whatever that came up in my mind and in whatever order – that is how I’ve typed the last paragraph.

This Site
So, I haven’t had much time to work on this site further (this seems to be a pattern with all my personal sites =P) but I will be working on things one by one until they are completed. Right now, however, I do not like the setup of the site – or maybe I am no longer liking the design anymore (highly possible because I get bored with my own work rather quickly). BUT I will probably be keeping this site for a bit longer or at least until I’ve completed it as much as possible. I’ve already worked on the Visual section of the page but I haven’t linked it yet – it won’t be anything fancy just a collection of pictures that I have accumulated over time and in collection-form through a gallery script that is quite handy and useful. Next thing I am going to work on is my Bio… now I’ve been questioning myself why I created a ‘Bio’ section and also an ‘About Me’ section. (Yes, I question myself often)… but no, they are two totally different things. The Bio will contain information about me that will not change… information like my name, birthdate, etc – just things that are factual. The ‘About Me’ will contain information that I personally observed about myself! Things that I do – things I like to think about, etc – things that can change as times goes on.

Changing the subject – one of the reasons I wanted to make a lengthy journal entry is because I haven’t blogged in a long while so I felt that I needed to do a nice big bloggin’ update and also because I wanted to see if long blogs are any more special then small itty bitty blob blogs.

Worry
So I wanted to discuss this idea of worry… worry is so useless. Allowing yourself to worry about something is so stupid, now that I think about it. I used to worry constantly… about the most ridiculous things! I actually believe that I had obsessive-compulsive disorder and some of you might have guessed that at times – I guess I still may have it but have somehow psychologically fixed it on my own. This seems to be a reoccuring pattern in my life – that I fix my own things on my own no matter what it is… I don’t know how I do it but I do it and it seems like to me it works most of the time. I guess this is one of the reasons why I hate asking for help even though I know I need it but even then, this is a difficult point to reach, to admit that I need help and there are things that I need help with. It’s even difficult for me to admit such things but it doesn’t matter to me anymore because I’ve given up worrying about things that does not need my mind and concern over – which is decidedly EVERYTHING.

Whenever you are worrying… ask yourself this: what are you going to get accomplished by worrying? Add all the seconds you allowed yourself to be concerned or worried about anything… now, look at how many seconds of your life you have wasted by worrying about things. You’re still here aren’t you? You’re still living life! It might be a stressful life but the important thing is… you are still here; being who you are – defining your history and the future. So why worry? Is it going to help you get things done better? No, because it will clog up your mind… cloud it up so you can barely get whatever you’re worried about done if at all! It will bring pressure to your mind and body for no reason at all and it will inhibit your actions and thoughts. Is it going to help you get things done that needs to be done? Well maybe- but then if it needs to be done, why don’t you just do it instead of worrying about it?!

Worry is something that only occupies your mind – it doesn’t seem to affect the outcome of whatever you’re worrying about – once it’s over the worry is no where to be minded… *poof* That worry disappears and it’s done and over with.

Like I mentioned, I used to worry about things constantly. It was second nature to me… to the moment I woke up to second I drift off into dreamland… I seemed to have something bugging my mind – clouding it – preventing me from seeing the real and only solution. Not anymore – no worries from me. Do not worry, my friends, for clouding your mind is purely useless and negative.