lately…
October 31st, 2003 | by john |been a bit weird lately – I’ve had this window open for so long but never could figure out what to write in it. I am getting so lazy and also truly apathetic lately, it’s not even funny – at least I got most of my school stuff out of the way earlier this week. I guess I am neglecting a lot of my own goals as well – which isn’t a good thing at all.
I keep praying for motivation… motivation… motivation. It’s something very hard to come by for me nowadays. Ugh, what does it take to motivate me? I just need to find that one key or one moment that can help me gain my motivation back – it’s been so long since I had it. Don’t get me wrong, I always have more than enough motivation for things I like and want to do/learn but when it comes to things that I am forced to do – motivation is nonexistent.
I went to CCF this week like I have been for the past month or so – today’s Bible study was about having bad days. I am always surprised that every week, I go in there and think I am going to be listening to Rick talk about something that won’t be so much related to me directly but then when I listen to him talk – it is directly related to what I am going through mentally and/or emotionally. It is scary but it serves as an assurance in the background. For example… it seems like I’ve been having… not only a bad day… but a bad 5 months or so. It seems like a nightmare – I am facing all my mental bad dreams all at once and my mind doesn’t know how to deal with it. So… I seem to be going crazy… by being apathetic. When I listen to the bible studies, it feels like God is trying to tell me to calm down and to trust in him because this trust and what *I* want to do with my life is the only thing that is essential for me.
Sometimes, I get angry at myself because I know there are outside influences that are trying to change me or to tell me what I want… even my own family – I know they want the best for me but what do they know about what I want personally? They always assume what I need and this is also heavily influenced by what is good to them. I never want to tell them what I want to do with my life because they will think it’s a joke and belittle it. I don’t exactly know why they belittle it – probably because they assume that since there wasn’t a teacher teaching me the things I do, I can’t possibly get a job from it… or perhaps since I’ve always been making a little money aside school from development jobs to system administration jobs, maybe they belittled the amount of money that I’ve been making?
Ever since I figured out that I can learn things on my own, without the help of a teacher – I’ve been venturing out into what I want to learn about on my own. So for the past few years, I’ve been learning a lot and also been earning a little money on the side – it definitely has been beneficial considering that it has provided me with good learning experience.
Don’t judge my want – what I ultimately want to do is to have a family and to be able to aptly support them and make sure they do not have to worry about financial problems. Since when did I ever want to become a doctor or a lawyer or any of those professionals that live luxuriously… driving cars that cost as much as a house and spending as much as buying another car when the car breaks down? No. That’s not what I want. Save the superficiality and the pain, readers. Life has better rewards than those, I guarantee it 
Just needed to get those thoughts out, I am going to try to fix my sleeping schedule lately because it got screwed up after 2 straight all-nighters monday and tuesday…
peace 
