my digitized life // john hwang

Obsessive-Compulsive.

Moving on after I determined that RLS was actually something that other people experienced and not some random thing I had, we shall discuss OCD. Now, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a more popular psychological issue that didn’t take long for me to self-diagnose. It wasn’t a very serious case personally, I can only venture a guess and say that at certain points of my life it became noticeable to some people.

Now, I’ve never delved into the depth of symptoms and explanations of OCD but I knew my own symptoms; personally, my OCD was all about right vs. wrong. I always had the right way of doing things and if it wasn’t perfect then it was the wrong way over and over until it was right. Unfortunately, it sort of tied in with my superstitious nature so I believed (and believe to some extent to this day) that if I left things a wrong way, something bad was going to happen. This sole belief deteriorated my OCD to the point that it probably became noticeable to people I saw on a daily basis. It was as if my mind would convince me that I did something the wrong way and I could not think of anything other than to go back and do it right. Of course, it wasn’t as simple as it sounds when I am typing it up right now because more often than not, my mind wasn’t satisfied with it until I repeated the action multiple times.

I will list a few of the things that I used to (have to) do as a result of my OCD, but I’m still trying to decide on some that won’t make people start to believe I am a nut. Here we go: I prefer right over left, top over bottom, and clockwise over counter-clockwise, evens over odds, and over-balance or balance over under-balance. From there you can derive others like my preference to lead with my right foot than the left, top-right hand corners, and turning things clockwise. Sometimes it just doesn’t even make sense logically but my mind has already setup these ‘rules’ and if I don’t follow them to the dot, I need to keep on doing it until it’s done right. I like the number six and eight so if there is repetition, I’d usually repeat it six or eight times. I sometimes have to read things over and over until I feel that I’ve read them correctly and that again, is my mind’s decision. I do things related to security and a second later, I can’t think whether or not I’ve done it and have to go back to check and double-check (locking doors, turning headlights off and windows up out of cars, etc).

The OCD that I have is not destructive as other cases that may have been portrayed elsewhere. The worst point of my OCD was when I’d have to literally waste thirty minutes of my time doing something until it’s done right and this I grew out of for a few years now. Thankfully, my timeliness was a priority over my OCD so I was never late to things because of its effects.

So within the past few years, if you have seen me doing things over and over or have seen me doing something that made you tilt your head left or right, then yes; I had/have a relatively mild case of OCD. I hope nobody gets freaked out or finds this extraordinarily amusing because it can be a very serious disorder. For those of you who have OCD: aside from medical treatments (if there are treatments available) just try, even for once, to break out of your habit and distract yourself right afterwards. I think I did this unknowingly and was able to break away from some OCD-related habits.