Pet Loss.
August 7th, 2010 | by john |It’s been four weeks since Buddy died. I am still grieving but I seem to be holding up better than I was the first week; maybe it’s just because my body ran out of tears. I am still tremendously sad but have been trying to think of the fact that Buddy is now in peace and no longer feeling any pain or frustration as a way for me to outweigh the sadness. So far, there has been cycles of ups and downs… well, not really “ups” but feeling okay as opposed to feeling nothing but sadness. Smiling or laughing has been difficult without the quick afterthought of Buddy being gone. After the first week, work has been distracting me some but even during work, I’ve had hard time focusing on anything.
This was my first loss of a loved one and it’s been overwhelmingly the saddest event of my life. Aside from the suddenness of the loss that pretty much shocked me into a state of complete numbness, I didn’t know what to do or think. It was as if my brain went into an endless loop trying to process what it meant when the vet on the phone told me that Buddy had passed away. The obvious questions that my brain expected to ask the vet that morning like “how is he doing now? how did the antibiotics work? when can I pick him up to take him home?” ran through my head but my head didn’t come back with the different possible answers to expect back from such questions like it normally would.
The biggest obstacle for my bereavement was (and still is) all the guilt that I feel. As much as I loved Buddy and took care of him, I could only remember the times that I took his companionship for granted; the times that maybe I punished him too harshly, the times that I didn’t play with him or was away from him because I was doing something (trivial) that I wanted to do just for myself, the times that I left him home alone for school or work. Another obstacle of guilt comes from the thought of whether or not I would have been able to prevent the inevitable for at least a little while longer. I have tried to play back in my head the events of the night before I took him to the emergency vet and asked myself why I hadn’t taken him in sooner or have tried to think back to figure out how the infection may have started. This is all compounded by the guilt of not being there with Buddy at the end because maybe he was trying to wait for me but just couldn’t hold out any longer or maybe he thought I gave him up to “strangers” because he was sick. All these guilty thoughts swirl in my head and I had trouble recollecting the joyful memories of Buddy.
After almost thirteen years of Buddy being by my side and with my family, I’ve never felt alone. There wasn’t a day when Buddy was with me where I felt bored or useless. Now that Buddy has moved on, I feel like there is absolutely nothing for me to do except miss not only the physical presence but also miss the spirit of Buddy. Pets, in general, just have a special innate ability to love and understand you without speaking and without language. They don’t have ulterior motives; they don’t get self-conscious; they just love unconditionally. That is their nature. It’s difficult not to love back and start leaning on this bond. Guardians of pets understand this bond and it is this bond that makes us grieve.
As is typical of me, when I face an obstacle that I am not familiar with, I do a lot of research and reading to try to get a handle on it. I’ve been to bookstores and also the library to read books on coping with the loss of a pet and not surprisingly, there are quite a few books on the subject. I’ve also read quite a few articles online. At first, it was hard to imagine anyone else in the world feeling this much sadness and guilt but after some research, I’ve come to the understanding that I am not alone in what I feel. This has brought me some comfort to realize I am not the only one that’s lost this bond.
Guilt is both a terrible and just thing. Guilt is terrible because it has a way to make you think you had control of something that is not possible to control. Guilt is also just because it can force you to accept responsibility for things that you did control. I feel both kinds of guilt for various things I did or didn’t do that I shouldn’t have or should have done. The problem with guilt is that it is a regret of something in the past and there is no way to go back and change anything. Some have suggested that I push the guilty thoughts out of my head and think of the better memories. However, that is easier said than done and regardless, I felt that does not do justice or help alleviate the guilt. Whether the guilt be real or imagined, I feel the need to accept the guilt and take responsibility for it. I read in one of the coping books that feeling guilt is part of the grieving process and that there is no way to get past the guilt without eventually learning to forgive yourself. This is a difficult task but by accepting the guilt and taking responsibility for them, it will become easier to forgive myself rather than trying to ignore the guilt.
My research also helped me realize the typical stigma of fearing death. Death is a natural thing as is birth. Everyone and everything will die. I don’t know what is after life and no one knows even if they pretend to know. There are various beliefs regarding the afterlife. What I believe in my heart is that life in itself is very profound. Nothing that is part of nature is wasted and everything is conserved. Because life is part of nature, I find it hard to believe that life is not conserved in some different but still profound way that we just don’t understand.
I rarely write to this blog anymore; however, I am posting this because I know there are a lot of people out there that are feeling or felt the same way I am and grieving like me. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that grieving is normal regardless of what others that just don’t understand may say. If you found this post, I have to assume that your grief is so strong that you are doing nothing but doing the same type of research that I did to try to find even a tiny amount of comfort. I know you still love your animal companion that passed away. I also know you blame yourself and feel the guilt and sorrow. I know I do.
Thanks for all the unconditional love, Buddy. I’m sorry for all the things I did wrong. I love you and always will.
