a blog of sorts that is never consistently updated
I am in a mental turmoil. Everything is so clear to me except the next step I need to take… does it have to be a leap of faith or do I wait and build a path to the next step? This has been a roadblock I’ve failed to bypass for too many times.
A bit over five weeks ago, I was about 50% excited about going up to NYC and the other 50% dreading it. It was difficult for me to think that I finally got accustomed to my first full-time job but now I needed to temporarily settle down in another location for something totally different. I can’t say I knew what to expect.
Yet here I am, five weeks later, I keep thinking of all the fun I’ve had and all I’ve learned. While I don’t believe in the idea of fate, I can’t help but think that I was meant to be there at those times. As if all the choices that I’ve made in my life has led me to this point and my experience there was simply a confirmation. Tell me, is it too weird to think that?
It didn’t have to be NYC. I honestly think it could have been anywhere and anytime. It was the people. However crazy this may sound, even though at first they were complete strangers, I felt an affinity with a lot of the people I’ve met there after the first week. And it only took a week.
They are all coming down to Charlotte in a few months; however, I am not naive enough to say that we’ll all keep in touch afterwards. I know we won’t. I will certainly try to keep in touch with everyone but I know I am not very good at it.
Thanks.
10-months ago, almost every Sunday night, I would sit down in front of my dorm PC or a PC in a lab and work on VLSI (Very Large Scale Integration) lab assignment which was due by the next day at 4:30pm. I also worked 8-hour shifts Saturday and Sunday for an Internet company to make ends meet for myself financially. So in general, I’d be able to get started on these labs at around 10pm. The labs took approximately 8-12 hours to do; take away all my being distracted (and having episodes of Scrubs on my laptop) and it would probably have saved me an extra hour or two for each lab. From what I can remember, I remember absolutely hating every single minute of those hours and dreading it all weeklong. It was almost to a point where… my entire week was ruined because of that one assignment that I either 1) didn’t have time to do during the week or 2) procrastination got the better of me. I hated the lab so badly that I was wondering why I chose my major; this was my graduating semester. What scary thought that was…
Get back to current time. I am part of one of the most profitable companies on Earth. I am temporarily in NYC and my company is helping me get a good start on my career by arranging a training session (the training is pretty new to me since I have a strong technology background). I am networking and befriending people that simply amaze me beyond belief. I like my job.
What a turn of events in such a short period of time. I consider myself extremely blessed.
People are calling The Da Vinci Code a controversy. Why? It is a work of fiction. It is a thriller. As infamous as I am for making up random (and yet sometimes stupid) similes, this ‘controversy’ is like human existence getting angry at machines after watching The Matrix. How ridiculous does it sound to ask for a disclaimer in the beginning of The Matrix? If it did, what is it going to say?
Disclaimer: This film is a work of fiction. Please do not believe that machines are farming human beings for the sole purpose of using our bodies as an energy source. When you get home, please do not destroy or be afraid of your personal computers. Thank you for reading this disclaimer requested by the machines.
How was that for a half-hearted chuckle?
Although I am neither an evangelist or even a frequent church-goer, I believe and have faith in God. This book has not affected my faith. This movie will not affect my faith. The church asks the people for faith; it should learn to have faith in the people.
I wonder how it’s possible for anyone to be absolutely sure about their emotions.
Sure, you can be absolutely sure of being happy about aceing a difficult test you’ve studied hard for but isn’t it possible that several years afterwards, your happiness with that particular incident will fade away? I think so… because I’m sure I was ecstatic about doing well on tests and papers back in middle/high school but I can’t seem to remember all of them.
In complete contrast, I remember being angry for doing horribly on many tests in college but I can’t seem to remember most of them even though I started college merely four years ago.
Here’s another spin: emotions are relative to every case. For example, if you received an 85 on an exam, how happy are you? Compare that simulated happiness with the happiness you might experience after hearing that 85 was the highest grade. Did it vary or was the happiness about the same? What if you got a 100? Wouldn’t you be happier with the 100 than the 85?
Again, let’s say you got a 65 on an exam. You would be angry at yourself for not doing better but what if a friend of yours got the same grade or the average on the exam was a 60? Wouldn’t you be less angry at yourself? What if you got a 40, would you be even more angry?
Now, you might ask: “happiness and anger is the ‘black and white’ of emotions.” As in, you’re either happy or you’re angry and there is no way someone can mistaken happiness for anger and vice versa. So what about other emotions like sadness and love? How can such complicated emotions be flaunted as if there is an absolute certainty for them?
I guess I’m just trying to state that complex emotional certainties are very difficult to come by. From the standpoint of having (or at least attempted to) consoled enough number of close friends, I know enough to realize that it’s something that can easily influence you for various reasons. It pains me to see someone think/say that they are absolutely positively certain of an emotion that no one is meant to be sure about; when this happens, red flags always goes up for me.
Of course, you might think (and I can admit to the fact) that I don’t have much personal experience with the most complicated of emotions but this is probably because I fear it. Emotions are scary things. Emotions control you. Fight or flight? No, you can’t fight it thinking you can win because you can’t. You can’t run away from it forever because you’ll have to face it sooner or later.
The only real thing you can do is to dutifully respect it. That is all I can hope to ask for.
I admit that some of the examples I listed above are completely random and useless but I guess that’s another point, emotions can’t be exemplified. They can’t be taught. Every emotional justification is as honest and factual as a random variable without normalization.
July 7th, 2005.
A prayer for those afflicted by the London bombings earlier today and to all the others who seek the day when freedom will prevail over fear all around the globe.
And another prayer for those who oppress so that they may at some point, be able to understand and nurture the idea of liberty.
